Click to Kick
I felt weird about writing this right away because I had a bit of a slip-up after Christmas, in the new year. I realised it was because I was super stressed out by some stuff that happened with my family and I was overdosing on Hallmark movies and romance!! Also, I think I started to be proud of how many months I had not used porn, and was so quick to tell people that I was free from it. I felt like it was like me checking it off my list of things goody-two-shoes Holly can say she did. “Look! She never drank, never smoked, never did drugs, hasn't had sex since her divorce, and she was able to stop looking at porn!”
So anyway, I told the girls in my Click to Kick group about my slip-up who were really encouraging and I haven't acted out since! I was so upset at first and didn't feel like I had the right to say I was "free". But the fact that I didn't spiral out of control, and got right back to where I was before, shows that it doesn't have the hold on me it once did.
What has changed in your life since completing Click to Kick?
I can watch TV and NOT have everything I see make me think of sex and then think about acting out. I don't feel shame or feel like I'm hiding something or feel like a hypocrite. I can have a sexual feeling or urge and not have to indulge in it, but can get my mind occupied elsewhere. I can see ahead what might be a trigger for me and stay away. (I learned that the stress of certain family members added to my triggers!)
How has your relationship with God changed?
I feel like I appreciate Him more and am more thankful, because now when we sing songs about breaking chains, I can relate and know that it's true! This is the first "big thing" that I actually could SEE and REALISE that I needed freedom from! Now as I write this I can also see that God has been teaching me about other chains and lies that I need freedom from, and I can say YES it is possible! Thank you Jesus!
What is better in your life now?
I feel stronger in the Lord, if that makes sense. I felt shame when I messed up, but I was able to tell myself "His mercies are new every morning". I have my Click to Kick facilitator and the girls that I can message or email right away when I need to and that feels great. I don't have that nagging in the back of my head that I'm disgusting or whatever. I feel clean and now I know I can apply that to everything because of the blood of Jesus!!
How does it feel to be free?
Everything I just said! Thankful. And loved by God. And now I'm about to cry!